dear to whom it may concern,

it’s been nearly a year since my last letter. i didn’t mean for such a long absence to occur and yet it has anyway. nevertheless, my thoughts and hearts bring me back here again. bring me back here to you.

i may be stating things and feelings i have already shared and if so, i apologize. it’s just that certain things always remains and haunts me even if sometimes i do not see it or feel it.

like dreams. a few nights ago i had a series of dreams i have had before and i don’t know why a residue of emotions lingers from it. nothing really special seems to appear from it and it might actually be a little droll in repeating the details of it. yet it lingers. yet there is something definitely there that i can feel inside of me. is it the house? is it who i might be in the dreams? is it the time, the location, what, what, what?!

maybe it’s the longing. the longing of understanding truly who i am and others understanding and accepting of it as well. will there ever be any one on this whole wide earth that can truly understand? i know you do God, i know that is the point of being the Higher Being but the puzzles remain. i am a daughter of light with curiousities and eccentrics. that is me. I believe in Him, am saved by Him, but i am still different. is that okay? these dreams, i question and i only wish there were true answers for? and about the companionship? i don’t think that want i desire inside is even truly possible in the world of the living. it just doesn’t seem that way. the feeling lends itself to a more, well, for lack of a better word, a dream.

so you see why i have come back because there is so no where else that i could explicitly lay down the words to be read other than here.

never changing, always changing,

ada

dear to whom it may concern,

it’s been awhile since my last letter. the holidays came upon us and it’s always a whirlwind of a time. now it’s mid-february and there is no more excuses for my laziness or busyness to write.

at the moment, i feel like emotions are simultaneously vying for my affection to see which one conquers the most of me. the feeling of excitement with new endeavors, the feeling of love and warmth because i am surrounded by it and of course, feelings of failure and digust at the lack of personal motivations not yet completed. i won’t leave it here though, with the sense of pessimism and negativity. it always needs to be onward and forward no matter what, taking what good and wonderful that has been given to me, that has been so generously given to me in life.

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

i forgot how much i enjoy early december. this morning r. and jane went ahead of me to church so i had to take ginny, the volkswagen. i loved every minute of it. driving her in the clear blue morning; the chill, nice and crisp. i had my new green coat on so i was not freezing, it was almost just right. it was just right. hearing the engine along the streets, shifting gears, watching the trees, now gold, orange and green.  it was a truly lovely lovely morning. a beautiful day.

last night we went to see ‘no country for old men; with our friend, jdt. what a film. it was amazing and thrilling in it’s intense slow manner. before the show, we hung out at the small bookstore there. i came across a book titled “the paranoid’s pocket guide to mental disorders you can just feel coming on” by dennis diclaudio. it seems witty and informative; complete with old looking illustrations. i need to add it to my list of books to get. a few weeks ago, r. and jane came along with me to redeem my barnes and noble gift card i received for my birthday last month. i had so much fun deciding which books i was going to get while listening to the holiday music playing in the store. i think that is one of little pleasures that truly delight me. holiday music playing in a bookstore. i love it. the season is upon us now. i want to enjoy every moment of it…

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

i have thought of what i wanted to say next only to find that here, at this moment, there is too much fighting for attention. i do try to take what’s there, filter it through my mill of emotions and take what positive can come from all of it. of course, though, i do have my times of just letting it all be, absorbing the what and the how, and being maintained by a sense of melancholy and all else it may entail.

there are several things, well, more than that i believe, going on. even those things which are not seen but felt are included. the waiting of our place still in escrow when it should be over; the unknowing of whether we will be able to begin anew or stay here further; the dissatisfaction of my own complacency about personal goals that have to do with the outside of myself as well as the inside, etc. etc. etc. etc. i don’t know where to begin and i believe i don’t want to have to. i just sort of feel like i am waiting for a change that never seems to come. i am waiting for that something new, that something different.  or maybe this is just how life will be for me. this is life. this is my life.

sometimes it seems, for just a moment, a sense of excitement comes by, a wave of motivation and glee, and then….the next day it could all be a fleeting thing, just a whisper that once was. i don’t know. i dislike being too solemn, being too…what’s the word, overwhelmed maybe? i believe in optimism but i am not quick to say that i am an optimist. some might think so just based on past words they once read from me. i am not a pessimist though because i know there is a bright side. i know that there is more than what is.  i am a realist.  at times, that meant appearing like a pessimist, but now, i just want to be a realist that looks up. that has faith. that has that hope and trust that things do change, that things will change, one day if not today.

well, i believe that thus far, this has been the most personal letter. it won’t be the last i suppose. that’s okay. that’s what helps me going, the letting out of the things, the pouring of words that are just a mere reflection of what is inside the heart and mind. i haven’t had the chance to share about our halloween or any thing else. maybe in the next letter or two, i will be able to be in that thought, and share with you, at least with some photos. yes, i think i can do that.

ava

p.s. thanks for listening…

dear to whom it may concern,

today is unusually warm for this time of year, even considering where i live. i believe part of this unnatural heat is due to the mass of fires that have seem to sprung up in various locations. thankfully, we are near none of them but the effects of the fires are spreading everywhere. i have not heard or seen the news today but yesterday i did watch a bit and anger filled me with the knowing that some of these fires are arson-related. the smoke and ash are unbelievable, even here where i live, the ash has coated all the vehicles and homes. it’s still falling a bit in the air. this morning jane and i went to the market and i was just noticing the weather, this hazy atmosphere. i just dropped her off at school and they will not even be playing in the playground later today. i need to find out what is happening. again, i am thankful that this is all that we have to deal with. my thoughts and prayers go to those who have suffered far, far worse…

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

life, just life. the little things that make it all. the tiny pieces that come together to fit and make a mosaic that only belongs to you. snapshots of memory. these things i like to focus on because these moments happen once and they help me to remember what has been given to me. so, with all that said, some photos…

here i am, taken at the pottery barn in victoria gardens. i took it this past saturday, while out with my mom and daughter. we walked around, it was a lovely late afternoon. we also went in my favorite store, anthropologie. it was very nice for jane and i especially because in the windows were one of our favorite things: birdhouses…

i wish i had a house that could look like this, that could be filled with all this loveliness…

and my favorite and owl tea set…

we had a nice time, and it’s always nice to be able to take some photos as well. i hope they were enjoyable.

wishing you a lovely day….
ava

dear to whom it may concern,

years seem to fly by faster and faster nowadays. it’s amazing how the days roll on so quickly but when you are a child it seems the wait for another year is endless. i wonder when she will begin to feel that. i wonder if even now life is going by slowly for her as it whirlwinds past me as she grows.

every morning i awake and i see her sweet face i am reminded of the days gone by. every time i watch her sleep and see how much bigger she has grown, i am reminded how quickly this will all seem one day. i have to cherish it all, every day, every minute…

a doting mother,

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

just a few things this time…

like, how even just a short drive to jane’s preschool and back can make me feel happier, being in the car, with the windows down, the air rushing in, the sunlight all around with her little voice in the background.. .

gathering little green weeds and a pine cone gift from her that she picked up for me at her preschool…

the excitement of october baseball…

the simplicity of a little gold toned necklace for five dollars purchased at the dress barn with half of that being profits going towards breast cancer awareness (which by the way, jane is wearing right now, not myself for whom it was originally bought for)…

being inspired by all the autumn (and rustic like) articles, crafts, recipes and photographs in this month’s country living magazine, including this:

“ingredients for a still life”

air
deer
milkweeds
acorns
peace
color
goldenrods
meadows
hawks
ferns
friends

(italics mine)

(this is a late one but…) ordering and receiving her first books from scholastic:

the fox and the falling leaves by julia rawlinson and tiphanie beeke
don’t let the pigeon drive the bus by mo willems
the nutty nut chase by kathryn white and vanessa cabban

and still waiting for doors to open but still being blessed becauseof all that’s been given…

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

i believe i have had a lot of things i been wanting to share but just not having the time or energy to do so. lately we have been in a place of waiting…just waiting. i am happy though, because even in this place, i am learning patience, acceptance and just letting things take the time they need. there is so much that can be for myself and my family in the near present future but nothing is sure, of course. will there be a move for us? will there be a chance to start things all over again? will we will be able to travel in the winter to see our friends in idaho whom we haven’t seen in two years? will we be able to add to our family in the next year or so? were are just here waiting for the answers to reveal themselves..

i’ve had thoughts of a home again a lot lately. i think that is one of the things i desire the most right now. i am appreciative of how we have been taking care of this past year but i know we are ready to move on. we are adults, we have a child, we are our own family and i want it to be and feel that way. not that i don’t feel it here, i am not saying that but there is a lack of complete satisfaction and personally for me, as a wife, mother and homemaker. i want to make my own home. that’s a homemaker, right?

everyday i take my daughter to preschool and i pass by the neighborhood houses. some of them look so quaint and warm, though i have no idea what they look like or how they really are inside. others look like with a little external help, they could achieve that homely feeling. nonetheless, it does leave me wanting that, a home of our own. i know we can’t own one now and they way things are here in this state i am not sure when we will ever be able to own. as long as i have my family and a roof over our heads, it will be home to us, whether we own or rent it. one day, however, i would love to own a home, a warm, inviting place with rooms for us and for our friends and family to enjoy spending time with us as well.

there is one house in particular, that if i take an alternate street to jane’s preschool, we can pass by. i love how it looks. it is not a huge, big house. it looks just the right size, with brick on the facade, and a big tree in the yard which seems to umbrella the whole of the front. what i like most about this house is that the tree is home to more than several birdhouses. it gives it such an individual and cared for look and i love looking at it as we pass by. the other day, i managed to steal a photo of it so that i could have it to look at and share.

the possibility of our own place might be presenting itself through the rental of r.’s cousin’s place in o——. i am hoping that everything will fall through so that we can take up that opportunity. i especially hope we are able to house train our beagle again because, he of course, is also part of the family. i have not liked the situation too much for him here because it separates him from us in a lot of ways, but again, there are always other things that have been good for him as well.

it has been nice overall, to house-watch, as i like to do. i am seeing fall having it’s influence in the outside decorations, especially that of fall’s most exciting holiday, halloween. i want to be a part of that but even if i can’t be, i can still always enjoy the watching…

waiting to see what becomes,

ava

dear to whom it may concern,

the season has changed, the heat tapering down for crisp nights and chilled mornings. trees are beginning to change colors, leaves beginning to weaken ad fall off branches. it’s that time again…

and they are bringing the pumpkins out…

and other things too…

that’s all for now. i am enjoying a september warm night with the windows open to welcome the evening air. i am happy with so many things right now but that’s not to say the realities and problems of life are absent. it’s just that, at this time, i am learning. learning to appreciate, learning to hold on to even the smallest spark of joy and to cultivate it so that it can continue to grow and help me see things through its light. i am welcoming a gentleness and a patience that of course, takes time to set in one’s person but it’s slowly coming to me. just accepting that i can delight in even the smallest of things and even the most simplest things can be amazing and more worthwhile. slowing down and opening my eyes more. this is where i am, this is where i want to be.

ava