dear to whom it may concern,
i have thought of what i wanted to say next only to find that here, at this moment, there is too much fighting for attention. i do try to take what’s there, filter it through my mill of emotions and take what positive can come from all of it. of course, though, i do have my times of just letting it all be, absorbing the what and the how, and being maintained by a sense of melancholy and all else it may entail.
there are several things, well, more than that i believe, going on. even those things which are not seen but felt are included. the waiting of our place still in escrow when it should be over; the unknowing of whether we will be able to begin anew or stay here further; the dissatisfaction of my own complacency about personal goals that have to do with the outside of myself as well as the inside, etc. etc. etc. etc. i don’t know where to begin and i believe i don’t want to have to. i just sort of feel like i am waiting for a change that never seems to come. i am waiting for that something new, that something different. or maybe this is just how life will be for me. this is life. this is my life.
sometimes it seems, for just a moment, a sense of excitement comes by, a wave of motivation and glee, and then….the next day it could all be a fleeting thing, just a whisper that once was. i don’t know. i dislike being too solemn, being too…what’s the word, overwhelmed maybe? i believe in optimism but i am not quick to say that i am an optimist. some might think so just based on past words they once read from me. i am not a pessimist though because i know there is a bright side. i know that there is more than what is. i am a realist. at times, that meant appearing like a pessimist, but now, i just want to be a realist that looks up. that has faith. that has that hope and trust that things do change, that things will change, one day if not today.
well, i believe that thus far, this has been the most personal letter. it won’t be the last i suppose. that’s okay. that’s what helps me going, the letting out of the things, the pouring of words that are just a mere reflection of what is inside the heart and mind. i haven’t had the chance to share about our halloween or any thing else. maybe in the next letter or two, i will be able to be in that thought, and share with you, at least with some photos. yes, i think i can do that.
ava

p.s. thanks for listening…