twenty-seven

dear to whom it may concern,

it’s been nearly a year since my last letter. i didn’t mean for such a long absence to occur and yet it has anyway. nevertheless, my thoughts and hearts bring me back here again. bring me back here to you.

i may be stating things and feelings i have already shared and if so, i apologize. it’s just that certain things always remains and haunts me even if sometimes i do not see it or feel it.

like dreams. a few nights ago i had a series of dreams i have had before and i don’t know why a residue of emotions lingers from it. nothing really special seems to appear from it and it might actually be a little droll in repeating the details of it. yet it lingers. yet there is something definitely there that i can feel inside of me. is it the house? is it who i might be in the dreams? is it the time, the location, what, what, what?!

maybe it’s the longing. the longing of understanding truly who i am and others understanding and accepting of it as well. will there ever be any one on this whole wide earth that can truly understand? i know you do God, i know that is the point of being the Higher Being but the puzzles remain. i am a daughter of light with curiousities and eccentrics. that is me. I believe in Him, am saved by Him, but i am still different. is that okay? these dreams, i question and i only wish there were true answers for? and about the companionship? i don’t think that want i desire inside is even truly possible in the world of the living. it just doesn’t seem that way. the feeling lends itself to a more, well, for lack of a better word, a dream.

so you see why i have come back because there is so no where else that i could explicitly lay down the words to be read other than here.

never changing, always changing,

ada

twenty-six

dear to whom it may concern,

it’s been awhile since my last letter. the holidays came upon us and it’s always a whirlwind of a time. now it’s mid-february and there is no more excuses for my laziness or busyness to write.

at the moment, i feel like emotions are simultaneously vying for my affection to see which one conquers the most of me. the feeling of excitement with new endeavors, the feeling of love and warmth because i am surrounded by it and of course, feelings of failure and digust at the lack of personal motivations not yet completed. i won’t leave it here though, with the sense of pessimism and negativity. it always needs to be onward and forward no matter what, taking what good and wonderful that has been given to me, that has been so generously given to me in life.

ava

twenty-five

dear to whom it may concern,

i forgot how much i enjoy early december. this morning r. and jane went ahead of me to church so i had to take ginny, the volkswagen. i loved every minute of it. driving her in the clear blue morning; the chill, nice and crisp. i had my new green coat on so i was not freezing, it was almost just right. it was just right. hearing the engine along the streets, shifting gears, watching the trees, now gold, orange and green.  it was a truly lovely lovely morning. a beautiful day.

last night we went to see ‘no country for old men; with our friend, jdt. what a film. it was amazing and thrilling in it’s intense slow manner. before the show, we hung out at the small bookstore there. i came across a book titled “the paranoid’s pocket guide to mental disorders you can just feel coming on” by dennis diclaudio. it seems witty and informative; complete with old looking illustrations. i need to add it to my list of books to get. a few weeks ago, r. and jane came along with me to redeem my barnes and noble gift card i received for my birthday last month. i had so much fun deciding which books i was going to get while listening to the holiday music playing in the store. i think that is one of little pleasures that truly delight me. holiday music playing in a bookstore. i love it. the season is upon us now. i want to enjoy every moment of it…

ava

twenty-four

dear to whom it may concern,

i have thought of what i wanted to say next only to find that here, at this moment, there is too much fighting for attention. i do try to take what’s there, filter it through my mill of emotions and take what positive can come from all of it. of course, though, i do have my times of just letting it all be, absorbing the what and the how, and being maintained by a sense of melancholy and all else it may entail.

there are several things, well, more than that i believe, going on. even those things which are not seen but felt are included. the waiting of our place still in escrow when it should be over; the unknowing of whether we will be able to begin anew or stay here further; the dissatisfaction of my own complacency about personal goals that have to do with the outside of myself as well as the inside, etc. etc. etc. etc. i don’t know where to begin and i believe i don’t want to have to. i just sort of feel like i am waiting for a change that never seems to come. i am waiting for that something new, that something different.  or maybe this is just how life will be for me. this is life. this is my life.

sometimes it seems, for just a moment, a sense of excitement comes by, a wave of motivation and glee, and then….the next day it could all be a fleeting thing, just a whisper that once was. i don’t know. i dislike being too solemn, being too…what’s the word, overwhelmed maybe? i believe in optimism but i am not quick to say that i am an optimist. some might think so just based on past words they once read from me. i am not a pessimist though because i know there is a bright side. i know that there is more than what is.  i am a realist.  at times, that meant appearing like a pessimist, but now, i just want to be a realist that looks up. that has faith. that has that hope and trust that things do change, that things will change, one day if not today.

well, i believe that thus far, this has been the most personal letter. it won’t be the last i suppose. that’s okay. that’s what helps me going, the letting out of the things, the pouring of words that are just a mere reflection of what is inside the heart and mind. i haven’t had the chance to share about our halloween or any thing else. maybe in the next letter or two, i will be able to be in that thought, and share with you, at least with some photos. yes, i think i can do that.

ava

p.s. thanks for listening…

twenty-three.

dear to whom it may concern,

today is unusually warm for this time of year, even considering where i live. i believe part of this unnatural heat is due to the mass of fires that have seem to sprung up in various locations. thankfully, we are near none of them but the effects of the fires are spreading everywhere. i have not heard or seen the news today but yesterday i did watch a bit and anger filled me with the knowing that some of these fires are arson-related. the smoke and ash are unbelievable, even here where i live, the ash has coated all the vehicles and homes. it’s still falling a bit in the air. this morning jane and i went to the market and i was just noticing the weather, this hazy atmosphere. i just dropped her off at school and they will not even be playing in the playground later today. i need to find out what is happening. again, i am thankful that this is all that we have to deal with. my thoughts and prayers go to those who have suffered far, far worse…

ava